Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
