Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
