drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize