Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
