If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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