Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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