did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have already put on my inside pants.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
