it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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