you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
ttyl tear gas
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
