guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
