That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
