I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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