M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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