I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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