I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
