I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize