i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
