Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
