When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
