i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
