I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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