I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
