It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
