someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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