If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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