just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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