Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
