i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
