if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
