Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
