Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
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i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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