You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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