I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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