You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.