So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.