I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
