Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.