since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
