my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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