You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
