the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
