I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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