I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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