Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
