I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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