It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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