Whod you bang
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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