We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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