I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
