I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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