I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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