I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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