I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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