I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
