Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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