He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
