ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
