Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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