I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
